Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.