I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
You Might Also Like
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Always the camel, never the toe.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Ok, but like, how married are you?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.