Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How to find Kentucky on a map
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Never ghost your hitman.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I bet birds love this building.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
i wish i could marry a nap
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.