An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.