I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we鈥檇 just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter鈥檚 dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I鈥檓 buying rice and beans because I鈥檓 Mexican.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.