If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work