The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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This took me a second..
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?