My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A roof is a house hat.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes