Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty