Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!