Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
You Might Also Like
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My dad.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks