[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Every time.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*