Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people