The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Every work meeting this week
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When someone says you are so lazy
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER