No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.