My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER