What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
sugar glider wrangler
Autocorrect completely socks
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
never ask a starfish for directions
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB