ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I feel attacked.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.