Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?