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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Designer: How big should the gap between the car鈥檚 front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I never answer my door because it鈥檚 always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I鈥檓 not interested in either of those services
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Please don鈥檛 interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Not today. 馃槄
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn鈥檛 he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me