*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention