I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.