I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom