Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
White parent Vs Arab parents