Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.