If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
set yourself free xox
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”