It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
welp
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!