Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately