Bro what is this
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…