*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.