[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things