If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.