I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?