Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.