[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?