Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Battery falling down a hole
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people