*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I beg your pardon?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.