Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.