Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.