I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
excuse me
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.