Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.