Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
You Might Also Like
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
(more comics:
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.