Dolls on drugs
You Might Also Like
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If I ignore life will it go away?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
this will hang in the louvre one day
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.