I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
You Might Also Like
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Lmao
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.