Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My sex drive has a dui
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
<- sleeps well with others
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”