Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The point of your 20s
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for