I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…