I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
You Might Also Like
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
fired
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”