Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.