ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.